liking, not loving

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i don't think i've ever loved someone romantically. yes i've liked alot of people but that's liking, not loving.

i used to like this one guy about 4 years ago, we weren't really friends...more like acquaintances. i used to write about him in my notes, every interaction i had with him, every funny thing he said, every vaguely interesting thing about him went into my notes.

i went through that note yesterday and i thought to myself, "i should delete this, he's old news now there's no point in keeping it." but i couldn't bring myself to press that little bin icon. that note has so many memories that i'll always have in my mind but seeing them written down is different, i can go back to it whenever i want and read those memories again. i just don't want to get rid of it…and it's not that i still like the guy, it's just the feelings that were poured out into the note, there's something about it all that i don't want to part with even though all feelings tied to him are gone.

i hate letting go, even if it's super old pictures on my phone that are taking up my storage space, or maybe it's something me or my siblings drew more than 7 years ago, or perhaps it's the notes i wrote about the guy i had a crush on, anything that had or has some kind of significance in my life i don't like letting go of, it's hard.

back to the liking and loving—i wish i could genuinely love someone romantically and know it's real, to also receive that love in return and appreciate it with all my heart. all my life i've crushed on people and most of the time i never told them how i felt, mainly because it was always a person i wasn't friends with, i just knew them by sight or name but not personally, and that is why i haven't ever confessed.

my ideal trope is friends to lovers, it makes it so much more intimate knowing a person as a friend and then becoming lovers, i imagine you learn alot more about that person after that. i want that trope, i want to be friends with someone and then start to realize i like them, to start noticing new details about them i hadn't seen before, for them to feel the same way and for it all to be a memorable ride.

thank you for reading! this post was kinda all over the place since i didn't really know what i was doing but i had to write something. i hope you enjoy it regardless!